Big-little Girl
My very best friend calls me “big-little girl.” This is because no matter how many years I live, no matter what experiences I go through, deep inside where I don’t let everyone see, I am still the girl I was when I was 6 or 8 … and I relive the same fears and tears that I did when I was so young.
On Friday morning I woke up from a dream, which led my mind back to a time when I was 10 years old and my father had taken his girlfriend, my brother and me on a trip to Maine. We were all staying in a nice little cottage there by the sea. The cottage had just two bedrooms and a bed in the pull-out couch in the living room area. The first night, I had chosen one of the bedrooms to sleep in. My brother slept in the other bedroom, while my dad and his girlfriend slept in the bed in the living room.
I remember I felt scared being alone in the bedroom, so the next day I asked my dad if I could sleep out in the living room. I felt scared and alone and that is the only reason I asked to change rooms. So, the next night my dad let me sleep in the living room; he and his girlfriend slept in the bedroom. I hadn’t understood they would leave the living room. That night, as I lay in the bed in the living room, I cried; I cried like a small child standing alone in a crowd after losing its parents. I wanted to go back into the bedroom again and my dad got angry at me. I didn’t want to be alone. All I knew was that I was scared and left on my own…and that is why I was crying – I didn’t have the solution.
After I had been crying for some time, my brother spoke from his bedroom to my dad “Dad, Lucia’s crying…” and I heard my father shout angrily in response “I really don’t give a shit!!” and I cried even more.
As I lay in bed recalling this moment on Friday, I felt that too-familiar scared loneliness again and I began crying – a 10-year old girl all my life, to this moment, and all the world, my father.
Finland-071105
September 10th, 2011 at 01:43
Hi! Thanks so much for your comment. You might have noticed by now, I don’t do too much on this site anymore. I’ve actually decided to turn the diary section of it into a book, so I haven’t been posting the new chapters. But your feedback is inspiring, so maybe I’ll be able to transform this into something more when I have more stability in my offline life (I’ve just moved to a different country and am trying to establish some income here).
April 30th, 2011 at 18:06
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May 1st, 2009 at 09:46
I totally agree.
May 1st, 2009 at 09:41
Found your blog through Steve Pavlina. Crying is good for the soul. Many human beings selectively forget to feel, resist acknowledging pain. Choosing to remember is another a choice. Crying is part of woring through it, learning to understand it and let go.