Diary entry 6

(Diary entries are intended to be read in order)

The mundane and socially acceptable solution for healing was psychotherapy, which I engaged in to appease family and to have someone to talk to about ten years of secrets and living hell. I was lucky, for the first time in my life, to find a competent and compatible psychotherapist. I began seeing her last summer and continue to see her to this day.

Other methods I tried included EFT and reiki. Things didn’t go very well with my EFT practitioner, so that business relationship only lasted about two months.

While the psychotherapy, as expected, didn’t yield any groundbreaking results in and of itself, I found my psychotherapist’s insights and therapy sessions to be a great complement to the creative aspect of my independent healing efforts (which mostly took place in my imagination in association with visualizing my goals), and also to the energy healing (reiki) which I began to do later on.

I have, however, identified three milestone developments on my healing path thus far. I see these milestones as key steps upward on my healing path, as well as blessings. Without each one of these blessings, I would not have been able to progress in my healing to this point or to continue to progress in my healing in the future.

My Angels
The first blessing on my healing path developed from my vision board. It was my angels.

From the first morning that I focused on my vision board, I experienced an alteration within me resulting from the “My Angels” goal. From that first morning, this goal came to life in my mind during my meditations and began to take on a life of its own.

For this goal, I simply used a picture of golden angels gathered around a bright, divine light, resembling the sun. The first two days that I closed my eyes and envisioned the angels and the light, as they were shown in the picture, I felt significantly uplifted and wonderful both days. After this, the “angels’ place” in the picture began to take on a life of its own. One day I had closed my eyes to envision my angels and I put myself into the picture among the angels. I wanted to be able to touch them and be closer to them. Things began to happen. I began doing things in the angels’ place, which had ceased to be a picture, but had become a place that I could go to at will when I closed my eyes. I began to think of my angel meditations as visits to my angels’ place. Each time I went to visit them, something different would happen. Sometimes I would go and the place would be bustling with angel activity. Other times I would go and it would be deserted, so I would call to the angels and usually they would come and I would speak to them, asking them to help me. Other times the angel place would be deserted and I would wander beyond the angel place and into the open spaces there and I would have different experiences.

Most or all of my initial visits centered around my angels healing me or me seeking support, comfort or healing from them for an immediate situation, such as in the following accounts I recorded in my diary:

- 15.06.08
Vision board meditation this morning: I saw myself again amidst the group of my angels. I hugged some, then I stayed, and while hugging one, I tried to detail the feeling. Then she let go and put her hand on my heart to heal it. This is the deepest I have been involved with them yet.

- 19.06.08
I got very upset and angry at Joan earlier and I still have no lodgings for tomorrow. So I closed my eyes and went, very upset, to my angels. It was odd; I practically came staggering into the angels’ place. I couldn’t even walk and angels were there, as if they had been expecting me, like hospital staff in those ER shows. Angels rushed to my side to support me and help me walk. There were angels everywhere. They put me on a golden-light sort of fluff bed; they were doing stuff. I never said a word, but I was crying a little from my upset as I sat in my chair. Angels were very busy around me. They moved me to a different place, to a bed. One angel began caressing me, around me, around my body, head to toe. Then I felt my upset calming as she caressed and I felt some peace settle in me again. Later, after all that was over, I asked the angels to resolve my lodging problem.

- 29.06.08
Visit: I went to my angels’ place, but I couldn’t see anyone there, so I went wandering, calling out to my angels that I was lonely and that I didn’t want to be alone. I came to an overpowering, shining gold and white light. I had to walk toward it. I was thinking “This light won’t lead me to my angels, so I don’t want to continue walking to it,” but the light felt so warm and I couldn’t let myself turn away from it. Then, to the left of the light, I saw a tall, slender white-light figure approaching me from a distance. I think it was a “he,” but it’s not certain. He was very calm and noble, very dignified and regal-looking. He was taller than a human and appeared more clearly to me than the angels. He spoke not a word. He led me out of the path of the light, off to the left. I was blabbering like an idiot, of course. Then I stopped and said “Can I touch you?” My intention was to feel inside him. He let me touch him in the places I reached out to touch—his sleeve, arms, and head too. And I became filled with a beautiful peace. I said to him that I wanted to be more like him, that he had a peace that radiates from wisdom and understanding, and I wished to have his wisdom, understanding and peace too. However, he lacked the feeling of warmth and love that my angels have. I was filled with great relaxation as his peace overcame me, and then he led me to my angels and disappeared along with the peace he had brought.

Each visit to my angels held a new experience for me. Eventually, and influenced by one of my therapy sessions, Angel Mother emerged from among my angels. Angel Mother, and several angel sisters, who have now fallen away, surrounded me with love and safety and promised me they would take care of me. They told me to forget earthly parents, because I am with them now. Whether imagined or real, Angel Mother would play a key role in my healing from my most profound past wounds.

Email
The next groundbreaking blessing on my path of healing occurred in October of last year, in an email that I had received from Lucifer. Bear in mind that throughout all of the preceding months, I had maintained email contact with Lucifer. Honestly, I could not fathom or imagine an ending to my situation with him in which I did not kill myself. The way things had played out between us and the way he had chosen to deal with me over the years, I could not imagine an ending in which I could let go of him and leave him, and all he had done, to my past. Thus, of all things that I have experienced in life, I feel like this one email was the single-most miraculous and merciful thing to ever happen.

There was nothing intrinsically spectacular about the email. After nearly five years, Lucifer had finally been possessed, by what I think could only be called a Divine mercy, to write some truthful words to me. The second I read the words, I was surprised, my heart sunk and I released him, on a superficial level dismissing almost every word he had ever written or uttered to me as insincere manipulative lies, while on a deeper level, resigning myself to the truth of not ever really knowing in this lifetime which of Lucifer’s words were true and which were designed to manipulate me. In my email response to him, I informed him that I would leave him alone now and he was free of me. And I breathed a laden sigh of relief to also finally be free of the whole situation.

This new development enabled me to get Lucifer out of my infinite present and file him in with the finite experiences from my past that I have to heal from.

If at any moment prior to that moment Lucifer would have been inspired to stop deceiving me and to be open and truthful with me, I would have been spared immeasurable and unspeakable suffering; and he, in turn, would have been spared a certain amount of suffering as well.

Not surprisingly, Lucifer maintained his own delusion when, in his response to my final email, he still reiterated that he loved me, would always love me and has never loved anyone else. I didn’t answer. I didn’t care.

With that, our communication ended.

Reiki
The third blessing that has come to me, or rather that I sought out, on my healing path is an energy healing technique called reiki. In the beginning of December, 2008, I received reiki levels 1 and 2 attunements. The experience was utterly fantastical and thrust me into a new realm of life. Reiki has not only facilitated my own healing and provided me with what I need to heal myself independently, without outside help or guidance, but it has also opened me up to a whole new world, an effective modality for helping others in their own suffering and pain and this has opened the door of one of my new life ambitions, one in which I hope my intuition can blossom and be put to full use and, hopefully, my full capacity to help others can finally be realized.

Please note that the comments are closed on all “My Diary” entries. This category is to read like a book, and each post as a chapter. Please feel free to use the contact form on the “Contact” page for any feedback.

In a nutshell, energy healing includes methods of treatment which are based on the belief that we all have life energy flowing through our bodies, giving life. This flow of energy is known to us from ancient cultures as qi (chi), prana and ki, for example. Energy healing modalities, such as acupuncture, reflexology, acupressure, reiki and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT), operate on the premise that psychological and physical irregularities are indicative of a block in a person’s energy flow. The energy healing modality seeks to release the blocks and restore a free flow of energy within us.

On the level of human experience, a block is experienced, for example, as a vexation, as worry, as a clinging to something, clinging to the past, perhaps, or to a material object, or as any negative emotion. A grudge is a good example of a block. Blocks also occur, however, due to past traumas or other events residing in the unconscious which we may or may not even remember.

When the release of a block is effected by energy healing, for example, in the case of clinging to an object out of fear, the individual will experience an emotional release within him or herself, as the fear energy which bound the individual to the object is released and let go. The result is that the individual will be freed of the feeling of fear and will feel lightened, uplifted and relieved.

The dissolution of large blocks, such as those resulting from negative parental and familial influences which were left to fester unchecked from childhood, requires multiple energy healing treatments, while minor blocks can be dissolved in one session [note that my personal experience is only with reiki and EFT].

In energy healing, the flow of energy can be felt in your body as tingling sensations. If you are having some form of energy healing done, it is good to close your eyes and turn your attention inward to what you are feeling in your body. Energy treatments start energy flowing in the body and many people can feel the sensation of this as a tingling sensation coming over certain parts of the body.

Some energy healing therapies or therapies based on affecting the flow of life energy include the following:

acupressure
acupuncture
crystal healing
EFT
qi gong
reiki
reflexology
tai chi
traditional Chinese medicine
yoga

Last summer, when I first came to stay in New York City, I was renting a room in the house of a certain woman, I’ll call her Lolita . She was a widow, approaching her senior years, who had lost multiple loved ones in her lifetime. The result of her repeated loss was clear in her home, which had become a shrine to the past and to those she had lost. Every nook and cranny of her home, like a museum, was bedecked with objects and artifacts from her past. The rugs were caked thick with embedded dirt and dust, while all surfaces and objects d’art, often placed precariously on tall, narrow, teetering tables (or so it seemed to me), were cluttered and left untouched in the three-story house. At every turn, you ran the risk of bumping into, knocking over or breaking this woman’s heart all over again. It was unnerving to say the least, especially for someone like me, who specifically avoids owning any “knick-knacky” thing of great monetary value, since I enjoy my freedom of movement and I have a tendency to break things, either by my temper or by dancing or running around (that’s also how I get a lot of bruises).

Suffice it to say, I don’t thrive in cluttered, congested spaces and I especially don’t do well in cluttered spaces littered with precious, fragile objects. A dining room that rattles with vibrating glass and china when you walk through it is not a good dining room for me.

Surprisingly, in the 2 months I lived in Lolita’s house, I only broke one thing, and it wasn’t something you would normally think had much value: a trash can.

Whenever the bathroom toilet would flush, the stopper in the toilet tank had a habit of not falling back down to plug in the hole in the tank, which meant that the water which poured in to fill the toilet tank back up was running right through the tank into the toilet bowl and the tank was not getting filled. That meant that I often had to remove all of the perfume bottles and whatnot on top of the toilet tank lid, remove the lid and plug the stopper into the hole in the tank so that the water would stay in the tank. Well, one day this happened and I removed most of the perfume bottles from the toilet tank lid, but not all of them. Of course, when I lifted the tank lid with one or two bottles still on it, one of the bottles fell onto a ceramic trash can that was next to the toilet and it broke the ceramic trash can.

Lolita was so meticulous about her things; there was not a chance that she would miss the new triangle chip in her trash can, even if I glued it back. I told her what had happened and she was looking over the roughly 1-inch big triangular chip thinking that she could glue it back. As she was inspecting it, she exhaled a sentimental “ode to a trash can,” sighing helplessly: “Oh, so many memories…” Yes, with a trash can.

I apologized to Lolita, but she did not respond. Then I retired to my room and I probably cried. I don’t remember.

I take it very badly when I make a mistake or break something, especially if someone else suffers for it, so… Especially without her acknowledgment of my apology, I sunk into guilt and I took on a greater fear of Lolita (of hurting or upsetting her), of the room I was staying in, her things, and of her museum house.

What is right?
In this bad emotional state, I sat alone, feeling very weak… I sought my angels. One of my angels came and was sitting across from me. I told her of my guilt and what I had done and of Lolita’s response. The angel answered me saying:

When you make a mistake, or do something wrong, you must not subjugate yourself to the person or to the person’s anger or hurt. You must acknowledge what you did, be honest about what you did and apologize with sincerity. If the person then can’t or won’t accept it, that is their grief, not yours. You must let go of your guilt, even if the person is holding onto a grudge or continuing to blame you.

Despite these wise and just words, I was unable to let go of my guilt at that time. But I knew the angel spoke the truth.

Mind’s eyes meet, man, woman from afar. Across the distances their glances lock. His eyes, a penetrating and sincere blue, hers, a deep and soft-warm brown.

Slow… Affection, understanding grow in their eyes. The unutterable nuances of his soul she sees in his eyes…In this silence, the steadfastness of their mutual stare, so fixed upon one another, forms an unseen bond between them, existing together in an unearthly realm, they are thousands of miles apart; only their mind’s eyes have met.

Together in space and time, see, face-to-face, their hands touch, one finger to the other. Again their eyes meet…slowly…turning her gaze downward, closing her eyes, her finger moving on his, she can feel inside her, how heavy, how strong his finger, she feels her own as a feather; he feels her flutter lightly down, ever-closer to his palm. How solid, how strong his masculine palm; she feels and senses there on him a scar and her heart is touched with his past pain, and with such gentle love, holding his pain securely in her soft hand, she caresses his scar tenderly, gazing upon it, pondering the affliction that might have caused it. Turning her expressive eyes up to his, she finds his gaze on her; again they meet.

Slowly their bond grows, in respect, in love, understanding, trust, yet only their eyes have met, hands touched.

She looks to his face. Their eyes meet; at deeper and deeper depths, their eyes delve into one another’s soul.

Slowly, tranquilly she reaches out to touch his face. Her fingertips move across his rough skin, slowly. Such harshness her soft, delicate fingers have never touched. He feels the sensation of her fingernails and soft fingers as they lightly graze over his rugged face. Deeply touched, he maintains a steadily deepening breath—she hears it— with the light caress of her fingertips, his heart beats stronger—she feels it. Then with the fullness of her curious hand, she touches his face, his cheek, runs her finger over his moist red lips, she feels every contour of his face, finding his roughness, his softness, and loving all of him. Gazing at her hand moving against his skin, seeing him, feeling him, his irregularities, his masculine beauty, his firmness, she looks up to him; again their eyes meet. Seeing deeply into her, piercing through her with his deep-probing eyes, he penetrates her virgin soul; overwhelmed with a slow-swelling wave of passion, tears come to her eyes, as he exhales, a long, steady sigh; closing his eyes, feeling her on him.