Diary entry 6

(Diary entries are intended to be read in order)

The mundane and socially acceptable solution for healing was psychotherapy, which I engaged in to appease family and to have someone to talk to about ten years of secrets and living hell. I was lucky, for the first time in my life, to find a competent and compatible psychotherapist. I began seeing her last summer and continue to see her to this day.

Other methods I tried included EFT and reiki. Things didn’t go very well with my EFT practitioner, so that business relationship only lasted about two months.

While the psychotherapy, as expected, didn’t yield any groundbreaking results in and of itself, I found my psychotherapist’s insights and therapy sessions to be a great complement to the creative aspect of my independent healing efforts (which mostly took place in my imagination in association with visualizing my goals), and also to the energy healing (reiki) which I began to do later on.

I have, however, identified three milestone developments on my healing path thus far. I see these milestones as key steps upward on my healing path, as well as blessings. Without each one of these blessings, I would not have been able to progress in my healing to this point or to continue to progress in my healing in the future.

My Angels
The first blessing on my healing path developed from my vision board. It was my angels.

From the first morning that I focused on my vision board, I experienced an alteration within me resulting from the “My Angels” goal. From that first morning, this goal came to life in my mind during my meditations and began to take on a life of its own.

For this goal, I simply used a picture of golden angels gathered around a bright, divine light, resembling the sun. The first two days that I closed my eyes and envisioned the angels and the light, as they were shown in the picture, I felt significantly uplifted and wonderful both days. After this, the “angels’ place” in the picture began to take on a life of its own. One day I had closed my eyes to envision my angels and I put myself into the picture among the angels. I wanted to be able to touch them and be closer to them. Things began to happen. I began doing things in the angels’ place, which had ceased to be a picture, but had become a place that I could go to at will when I closed my eyes. I began to think of my angel meditations as visits to my angels’ place. Each time I went to visit them, something different would happen. Sometimes I would go and the place would be bustling with angel activity. Other times I would go and it would be deserted, so I would call to the angels and usually they would come and I would speak to them, asking them to help me. Other times the angel place would be deserted and I would wander beyond the angel place and into the open spaces there and I would have different experiences.

Most or all of my initial visits centered around my angels healing me or me seeking support, comfort or healing from them for an immediate situation, such as in the following accounts I recorded in my diary:

- 15.06.08
Vision board meditation this morning: I saw myself again amidst the group of my angels. I hugged some, then I stayed, and while hugging one, I tried to detail the feeling. Then she let go and put her hand on my heart to heal it. This is the deepest I have been involved with them yet.

- 19.06.08
I got very upset and angry at Joan earlier and I still have no lodgings for tomorrow. So I closed my eyes and went, very upset, to my angels. It was odd; I practically came staggering into the angels’ place. I couldn’t even walk and angels were there, as if they had been expecting me, like hospital staff in those ER shows. Angels rushed to my side to support me and help me walk. There were angels everywhere. They put me on a golden-light sort of fluff bed; they were doing stuff. I never said a word, but I was crying a little from my upset as I sat in my chair. Angels were very busy around me. They moved me to a different place, to a bed. One angel began caressing me, around me, around my body, head to toe. Then I felt my upset calming as she caressed and I felt some peace settle in me again. Later, after all that was over, I asked the angels to resolve my lodging problem.

- 29.06.08
Visit: I went to my angels’ place, but I couldn’t see anyone there, so I went wandering, calling out to my angels that I was lonely and that I didn’t want to be alone. I came to an overpowering, shining gold and white light. I had to walk toward it. I was thinking “This light won’t lead me to my angels, so I don’t want to continue walking to it,” but the light felt so warm and I couldn’t let myself turn away from it. Then, to the left of the light, I saw a tall, slender white-light figure approaching me from a distance. I think it was a “he,” but it’s not certain. He was very calm and noble, very dignified and regal-looking. He was taller than a human and appeared more clearly to me than the angels. He spoke not a word. He led me out of the path of the light, off to the left. I was blabbering like an idiot, of course. Then I stopped and said “Can I touch you?” My intention was to feel inside him. He let me touch him in the places I reached out to touch—his sleeve, arms, and head too. And I became filled with a beautiful peace. I said to him that I wanted to be more like him, that he had a peace that radiates from wisdom and understanding, and I wished to have his wisdom, understanding and peace too. However, he lacked the feeling of warmth and love that my angels have. I was filled with great relaxation as his peace overcame me, and then he led me to my angels and disappeared along with the peace he had brought.

Each visit to my angels held a new experience for me. Eventually, and influenced by one of my therapy sessions, Angel Mother emerged from among my angels. Angel Mother, and several angel sisters, who have now fallen away, surrounded me with love and safety and promised me they would take care of me. They told me to forget earthly parents, because I am with them now. Whether imagined or real, Angel Mother would play a key role in my healing from my most profound past wounds.

Email
The next groundbreaking blessing on my path of healing occurred in October of last year, in an email that I had received from Lucifer. Bear in mind that throughout all of the preceding months, I had maintained email contact with Lucifer. Honestly, I could not fathom or imagine an ending to my situation with him in which I did not kill myself. The way things had played out between us and the way he had chosen to deal with me over the years, I could not imagine an ending in which I could let go of him, leave him and all he had done in my past. Thus, of all things that I have experienced in life, I feel like this one email was the single-most miraculous and merciful thing to ever happen.

There was nothing intrinsically spectacular about the email. After nearly five years, Lucifer had finally been possessed, by what I think could only be called a Divine mercy, to write some truthful words to me. The second I read the words, I was surprised, my heart sunk and I released him, on a superficial level dismissing almost every word he had ever written or uttered to me as insincere manipulative lies, while on a deeper level, resigning myself to the truth of not ever really knowing in this lifetime which of Lucifer’s words were true and which were designed to manipulate me. In my email response to him, I informed him that I would leave him alone now and he was free of me. And I breathed a laden sigh of relief to also finally be free of the whole situation.

This new development enabled me to get Lucifer out of my infinite present and file him in with the finite experiences from my past that I have to heal from.

If at any moment prior to that moment Lucifer would have been inspired to stop deceiving me and to be open and truthful with me, I would have been spared immeasurable and unspeakable suffering; and he, in turn, would have been spared a certain amount of suffering as well.

Not surprisingly, Lucifer maintained his own delusion when, in his response to my final email, he still reiterated that he loved me, would always love me and has never loved anyone else. I didn’t answer. I didn’t care.

With that, our communication ended.

Reiki
The third blessing that has come to me, or rather that I sought out, on my healing path is an energy healing technique called reiki. In the beginning of December, 2008, I received reiki levels 1 and 2 attunements. The experience was utterly fantastical and thrust me into a new realm of life. Reiki has not only facilitated my own healing and provided me with what I need to heal myself independently, without outside help or guidance, but it has also opened me up to a whole new world, an effective modality for helping others in their own suffering and pain and this has opened the door of one of my new life ambitions, one in which I hope my intuition can blossom and be put to full use and, hopefully, my full capacity to help others can finally be realized.

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