After writing that poem, I realized that there could actually exist work I could do that I would love and be both confident and competent at – something which I had come to believe was impossible in this world. It would have to be work that was close to my soul, and I also realized that I had come a far distance from my soul over the traumatic decades.

Now, a month after that session, I am beginning to think that I could even do the kind of work I have been doing, translation and proofreading, and feel very good, just as long as I always focus more on my spirituality, and the work takes a back seat in my life.

I have abandoned all concern and worry and I have no idea what will happen to me. I have too little income to even buy food these days, have savings to last about 6 months, am looking for a cheaper apartment and have no idea what will happen or how this will change, if it does. I’m just meditating every day and doing spiritual things, doing work when it comes. I figured that for 8 months I was worried and scared about how I would live and pay rent and did all kinds of stuff to get more work, while absolutely nothing panned out. Why should I be in a tizzy all my life, frantically trying to secure an income for myself to no avail, when I could at least enjoy the money I have for as long as it lasts? The worst that can happen is that I will lose my apartment and have to either sell or find free storage for my things and become homeless.

Who cares, at this point. I’m dead sick of struggling to live. If life wants to kill me, let it.

After several hours of reiki this morning, I began to feel somewhat human again. I even managed to bring out my logic again, which always shrinks in the behemoth of a shadow cast by my emotions, and tell myself not to worry, because I have enough money saved to pay 7 months of rent, and I can absolutely and easily turn my financial situation around in that much time.

All I can say is thank God I have a soul clearing tomorrow. It was originally supposed to be on Wednesday. It must be some kind of blessing that it was changed to tomorrow.

On the other hand, I just figured out how to add audio files to my other website, something which I thought I was going to have to lay out hundreds of dollars for. Phew. Now that I can do it myself, not only do I have my work cut out for me, but I can do it all myself for free .

Another development that I should mention is that yesterday when I was calling translation establishments in this country, where I had sent my CV, one of the places I called seemed to have a promising situation for me career-wise. It was an older woman looking for someone to replace her in her company and I think I might be eligible for the job. Of all the people I sent my CV and cover letter to, she is the only one so far who read the cover letter.

I had said to myself “If anyone is going to be right for me, one tell-tale sign will be that they actually have to read my cover letter, because without reading that, they can’t identify me as being what they are looking for.” Indeed this woman did read my cover letter and did recognize me as potentially a good fit for what she was looking for.

I am going to attempt to forget about my other website now and try to catch up on all the spiritual exercises I need to do to bring my spirits up again. But I am obsessed…I can’t seem to do anything other than work on and obsess over my other website. It’s like playing a computer game that you’re addicted to, and once you finish one day of the game, you just have to do one more, then one more, and one more…until you realize you’ve been at it the whole night.

This morning I woke up at 4:15 a.m. I have been waking up between 4 and 6 for at least the last week, no matter what time I go to bed. I don’t know why.

Anyway, I tried to go back to sleep until 5, then I just got a good start on the day. I did a financial security meditation that I really like. After that I did another kind of guided meditation for financial security and I fell back asleep. When I woke up again at 7, I continued by reading a chapter in Ask and it is Given.

I’m making a note of this morning here, because it felt quite wonderful, especially compared to yesterday.

I learned this way of being when growing up, because every single one of my immediate family members is exactly this way. And I was the stupidest of all three of them, so I had a lot to defend. It’s a miserable way of existing.

Last night I spent some joyful hours tweaking my other website and when I was done, I was so pleased with it. I felt so good about the changes I made. I thought to myself “Now it’s cute and friendly.” At that moment, I realized that that was me.

My website had had a cold, intellectual tone with that very kind of unforgiving rigidness of the persona. After all, it is a website about an intellectual subject – language. I wanted to change it so it would feel more natural to me, and so I could take down that hard pretense, which once I set, it is very hard for me to change – meaning that once I present myself as being this overly intelligent, condescending, critical, judgmental, all-knowing person, I can’t maintain it, because it’s not me, but I have to maintain it, because that’s who I have presented myself as being.

I realized I had to be that way to “prove” to my family that I wasn’t stupid. They were all infinitely more self-confident and more intelligent than I was. It was a lost cause for me to try to be like them, but even trying, it didn’t spare me the humiliation of being called things like “f***ing stupid” or getting otherwise yelled at for asking “stupid questions.”

The point of all this is, that on Thursday I had this emotional reaction and on Friday I gained further insight into that persona. That means that this issue is on its way out. I can reiki it away, or I can have a soul clearing and it most surely will leave me. Once it is out of my system, my actions towards prosperity will have greater results AND I will find my own real way of being, which will make me much happier and bring much better responses in my life.

Today I finished off that one job I got so upset about yesterday. I still didn’t heal myself thoroughly on that particular issue. It seems to me that it is things like that that are best healed in the very moment you are experiencing the emotional reaction, and I didn’t do that right away. Once the emotions dissipate, there is no longer the need to heal them. However, the emotional reaction has a trigger, and the next time there is a situation to trigger the reaction, you will feel that anger again…or rather I will, in this case.  That trigger will keep on causing the same emotional reaction in you until you heal the source of it.

I learned that my sole employer/client for the last 14 years may be on the brink of going out of business due to lack of work. I very much appreciate the fact that my colleague at the company explained to me what had happened. I had noted in an email that the supply of work from them had dwindled down significantly since last spring. This makes me feel quite grateful that I started to separate from the company back in 2008, and even more grateful that I did not stay in Finland working for them, or even move to Sweden earlier and continue as their employee (which I was planning to do at one point in 2005–knowing what I now know about Swedish taxes, I can thank God I never made that move!)

I am also working on a different website for English language services and I just posted another page up on that site tonight, and that feels good.

All-in-all, Day 3 was not too outstanding.

It’s good to always feel appreciation and look for things to appreciate all around you.

Not too far into working on them, I was getting hung up on bizarre words that you can’t find in any dictionary (and Finnish has such words in abundance). I came to one compound word in particular and, as usual, I searched the Internet for it, I separated it into 2 words and searched for the meaning of the the individual words and, as always, I came up with 0 hits, or so few hits that it is certain the word has been made up.

I posted this obnoxious word on a translator website to ask for help. Within 10 minutes, an answer was posted which revealed that the word had been spelled wrong in the menu.

I have stated many times that I hate translating Finnish, because of the inordinately common misuse of the language, misspellings and unprofessional writing of the people who write the texts in Finnish. This has vexed me for years.

I became angry once again and I felt resolved once again to leave Finnish to the Finns and refuse all Finnish translations and free myself of the incompetence and idiocy of these writers. However, as I am doing this financial security trial, I was aware in the back of my mind that this was the wrong approach. If I am to follow what I did to obtain the bliss I have in my relationship, I would have to stop right here, investigate why I have this dramatic emotional reaction when this happens and then heal myself from it.

I had used the relationship with my boyfriend sort of as a mirror to look into my own psyche whenever I would feel a negative emotional reaction welling up in me. I would then look into my past, usually back to growing up with the family, and I was able to associate the scared and desperate feeling I had in my present relationship with some horrible feelings and experiences I had with family. Then I would set out to heal those past experiences, such as a fear of being abandoned which gave rise to an insane desperation (with the insane behavior to go with it) and after I healed the source of this desperate reaction, I no longer experienced that fear and desperation in my present relationship and we are both happy.

So, I know I have to apply this approach now in my professional life, which will be much more difficult – at least in my love relationship, I was powerfully motivated by my love for my boyfriend. Still, I am trying this to improve my financial security and peace of mind in this world.

Amazingly, I maintained enough control over my emotions and thoughts to determine why I get so infuriated at the plethora of mistakes and the linguistic incompetence in the texts I get from Finnish clients. I often think to myself that I shouldn’t be translating this stupid language, Finnish. I got that belief in myself because of the way I learned (or didn’t learn) Finnish and because so many times as I was learning, I would kill myself trying to understand a Finnish sentence or find the meaning of a word, all the while thinking I’m a goddamn idiot because I can’t understand this language, only to learn afterwards that the Finn who wrote the text spelled the word wrong, or used a sentence structure that is so bad, the Finnish people at my office couldn’t even understand it.

In a nutshell, I automatically assume that if I can’t find or understand a word or sentence, it is because I am a brainless idiot. When I find out that I am thinking such horrid things about myself, not because they are true, but because some incompetent, careless Finn spelled a word in an already printed brochure wrong, or wrote a sentence that no one can understand without asking for clarification, I get livid.

When you investigate and get right down to the true cause of your emotional reactions, you will always find that they actually have nothing to do with the other party, but with how you feel about yourself, how you treat yourself or how you think about yourself. This is what needs to be healed.

So, since I have identified what is the true source of my infuriation, I will use reiki to heal myself from this terrible pattern of thought and belief that I have about my own competence.

What occurs once you have healed the true source of your emotional reaction? In this example, the next time I run into a badly written or misspelled Finnish text or word, I will not feel anything negative. I will just solve the problem at hand without spending a nanosecond in my emotions. There is no emotional charge left, so you see what is wrong, you keep your peace, you fix the problem, without any reaction at all.

The goal here is NOT to stop doing Finnish translations, because the truth is that bad writing and spelling can occur on a professional level in all languages. I have, for example, done Finnish translations which I have liked. Finnish is not the problem, nor are the individuals who are writing the bad Finnish – the problem is that I need to make peace with how I feel about myself, calm and eliminate the cause of my emotional reaction, after which I should be able to attract well-written texts in all languages I translate from.

As I lay on my couch actually visualizing receiving such job assignments, unbeknownst to me, such a job assignment had arrived in my inbox .

Here are some things I want to remember:

1. Make appreciation lists concerning financial prospects every day
2. Visualize having financial security every day
3. Do the paying work that comes to me
4. Become self-confident about my competence
5. Only take action by inspiration and a feeling of fun and eagerness

Now, one thing I observed when I was manifesting the relationship I wanted was that I effectively withdrew my attention from the outer world. At the time I began conscious manifesting for my relationship, my boyfriend had broken up with me 2 months earlier and wouldn’t give me the time of day. He ignored every message I sent him for 2 months. Even though after the break-up I was only writing messages to him from a place of love and goodness, from my soul, and I had completely stopped trying to work things out in my head to somehow manipulate him to feel sad or a little guilty or to forgive me and take me back, he still did not answer me.

I withdrew myself from this outward world and began visualizing us loving and happy – within one week of my visualizations, he came out of the blue and took me back. So, likewise, I will be withdrawing the main portion of my efforts to obtain financial security and of my attention from the outer world and focusing inward.

As for what I did do in the outer world – I would only take action regarding my relationship – i.e. communicate with my boyfriend – when I got a push of inspiration to write something to him (which often happened during my visualizations). After I would write to him, I would have a wonderful feeling in me, like I had just expressed something so beautiful that would benefit him as much as it did me for expressing it. Likewise, I will aim to only take action during these 30 days when I feel that great feeling of fun and inspiration to do so. If it works like it does in my relationship, I will only set myself further back if I try to act without that great fun and joyful feeling.

A perfect example of this, is that just prior to making my first post here about this 30-day challenge, I was writing out a list of appreciation and as I was writing one item on the list, I suddenly felt an inspiring idea to post about this experience on this website. I continued writing just one more item on my list before I began writing on here. I know when I feel the inspiration, I have to act on it right away, as soon as possible. I don’t know why I should be posting about this challenge on here, but I was and am just answering the call I felt to do it.