The Luciferian Backslide

Monday, October 11th, 2010

Diary entry 11

(Diary entries are intended to be read in order)

The long and drawn-out process of detaching myself from Lucifer was like a dance of emotional to and fro – to him and from him. A waltz between bitter pain and anger, when I would use acidic words to try to make him feel guilty and fathom the egregious wrongs he had done me, and forgiving love, when I tried to draw him close to me, in forgetfulness of all wrongs, only remembering the sweetness of the love I once felt from him and for him. The length of a full cycle of these two waltz phases was initially anywhere from 1 week to a month.

By the time of this backslide to Lucifer, in October of 2009, one full waltz cycle would be completed roughly every six months, so I had made considerable progress. This time, the cycle was coming around again to the bitter anger phase, after roughly six months of no direct communication with him. This phase was almost instantly followed by a forgiving love phase, completing what would be the final full cycle of this agonizing dance of detachment.

A strange and shocking thing happened to instigate this cycle, which contained a particularly blissful forgiving love phase. I had done a reiki session on my relationship with Lucifer, because I felt I still had a lot of emotional anchors with him. I still felt quite disgusted by the male population in general as a result and I still recoiled at the mere suggestion of entering into another relationship.

Some days after that reiki session, on 14 October, 2009, I received an email from Lucifer which had an utterly devastating effect on me:

Hello Lucia. I miss you so much. I don’t know what to say, and I don’t know where you are or what you are doing… ? I would really like it if you told me everything about you, like you promised me one day. But I want to tell you something…that I have a little girl, her name is Serine Lucia. This way I will never forget you. And know that I love you and you will always be in my heart, despite everything.

That’s right. He named his first-born after me. I was so disgusted I became physically ill. Why?

Flashback to the Year 2005

The situation was this; I was geographically far away at a time during our relationship that we had had an enormous fight over the phone. That very same week, Lucifer allowed himself to be seduced by a decidedly promiscuous Algerian female (effectively dashing my misconception that Muslim females waited until marriage to have sex). Lucifer, being a tortured soul, immoral and (deservingly) unlucky, was the perfect target.

In moments of objectivity, I have looked at Lucifer, his life, his behavior and his choices and I have perceived how he almost seems to punish himself. It is as if he suffers from such guilt, that, subconsciously, he provides his own, deserved punishment. The situation he found himself in seems truly to be a bad miracle imposed upon him by his own subconscious guilt, for I can’t fathom even the existence of the kind of female he managed to attract into his life:

After seducing Lucifer, this female, “Lucifera,” went to the police and said that Lucifer had raped her. By doing so, according to Algerian law, Lucifera had forced Lucifer into a choice: he could go to prison, or he could marry Lucifera. (Yes, the punishment for rape in Algeria is marriage to the rape victim, or prison.)

The truth was that Lucifera had already engaged in sexual activity prior to meeting Lucifer and, furthermore, had recently been raped and accepted payment from her rapist not to go to the police. She then took advantage of the situation to indeed seduce Lucifer, as she suddenly found herself in the market for a husband. It became Lucifer’s word against hers, however, and Lucifer, as I said, was unlucky and a pathological liar, so, naturally, none of his family or friends believed him.

It would seem that, by her own reckoning, the fact that she was not a virgin would make it impossible for her to win a husband by means of any human virtue, such as Goodness, Honesty, Tenderness, Compassion or Love. Indeed, in her lack of those very virtues, she probably concluded correctly, that no man would marry her unless she tricked him into it by use of sex. Therefore, it appears, in retrospect, that she manipulated the immorality and weakness of some lowly male person, with the goal of setting him up for a false accusation of rape, in order to get a husband.

The Year 2009

It is within this historical context that these two “model citizens” had a baby and Lucifer named it after me. I don’t know if I was more nauseous or incensed. I was beside myself with sickness. Emotional sickness and physical sickness. Besides being chaste, I strive for goodness and all of the highest moral, spiritual virtues, not the least of which are Love, Truth and Compassion. The idea that Lucifer would mix me and the goodness I felt up in that twisted, sordid, perverse, demonic affair, and now its foul offspring, made me physically ill.

If I had been someone else, I might have laughed at Lucifera and her new daughter, because neither of them had the slightest clue that Lucifer had named the girl after his former love.

Instead, I was in tears of rage, as I went to my friend to cry and shout and swear about what Lucifer had done. This was the most unbelievable thing ever. I was blind with disgust and enraptured with the horror of having been made so intimately associated with what I felt to be such evil and treacherous workings. I truly might not have thought it possible, but, by my reckoning, Lucifer had incredulously succeeded in finding someone even more evil than himself.

After I told my friend and I cried and she advised me ad nauseum, I returned to my room to do reiki on myself. As I was reikiing myself on this issue, there was a great fury welling up inside me. Finally, it became so great, that I gave in to it – I, unwisely, stopped reikiing myself and, for the first time since I’d known him, I wrote the most furious, scathing, degrading email to Lucifer that I have ever written to anyone. I let everything out. I held nothing back. I wrote things I had thought or felt in the past, but never said in order to avoid hurting him. I left no word unsaid and I told him, under no uncertain terms, what I thought of that Satan baby that he gave my name to. I had a slight pang of conscience about that, but I told myself – “It may not be a Satan baby at birth, but, by God, it will be one soon enough, with Lucifer as father and with a mother even more diabolical than he, plus being surrounded, as it will be, by the whole Luciferian family.”

I felt so good after writing and sending that email! Usually I keep my anger bottled up inside me, because I can’t deal with hurting others, nor can I deal with their reactions. But ohhhhhhhh, it felt good! It was the first time ever that I did not care if Lucifer ever spoke to me again – and that is why I sent it. I didn’t care.

Soon enough, however, I began to realize that I will have to deal with his response, which was, simply “Thanks, Lucia. Thanks a lot.”

Guilt for what I had written began to consume me. The reason I keep my anger and hurt bottled up inside me, or that I express it in private, is specifically because I usually can’t live with myself after expressing my anger to someone. I do say the most horrible, acidic things when I let go of my anger. It shocks people, because I appear so mild. I was sure that I would go to hell just for the nature of the things I wrote in that email alone.

After I wrote the biting email to Lucifer, I continued to reiki the pain I felt from him. After two hours, I finally began to relax a little bit and my angry thoughts and feelings began to subside.

A Hard Reiki Lesson

One should never react to emotions and pain (or a healing crisis) that is kicked up during a reiki session, because one is bound to say or do things one will regret profusely; for once the reiki session is concluded and the negative emotions and pain have then been processed and released, after minutes, hours, or days, the emotions and pain you may react to while in the midst of a session will have subsided and will have left you with a feeling of tranquility. In this case, you will likely wish to turn back time or undo or unsay anything you did or said while in the midst of the session or its immediate aftermath. This is a lesson I still have not learned.

In the days that followed, I therefore had to do a lot of damage control. I reikied myself and my relationship with Lucifer every day. My intentions for each session included “Heal this relationship.” “Heal Lucifer and lead him to understand me, my pain and angry words, and to forgive me.”

The outstanding irony of everything I did reiki for, was that, although I had intended for Lucifer to become understanding and forgiving of me, I found that, in the course of the reiki, I was the one becoming understanding and forgiving of him. I literally felt the shifts taking place inside of me as I felt the energy going through me.

This result was far better for me than it would have been if he had been the one to become understanding and forgiving, as I had asked and wished. The reason for this is, it feels absolutely heavenly to feel what I proceeded to feel for the next month! Feeling forgiveness and understanding, indeed, feeling love, for someone else, as I did, puts you in a state of joyful ecstasy! Whereas, the person you feel forgiveness and understanding for is still stuck in their misery!

In fact, during one reiki session I did on the day after having received the email, I had a great new feeling open up in me, which I could not have even conceived would ever open up in me again since knowing Lucifer. During my reiki session, I felt: “I want to get married and experience sex and maybe even have a baby. I want my husband to be and work with me in my sanctuary in Algeria and share my vision. I can do better than Lucifer.”

In these 15 minutes of reiki, I felt myself moving away from Lucifer emotionally, for the first time ever, and realizing I can have love and my sanctuary.

After several days of reikiing myself, Lucifer and our relationship, I felt inspired to respond to his hurt-laden email. My response was of an unprecedented nature. I found, in my response, that I had automatically, or magically become what I had asked in my reiki sessions that he become – forgiving and understanding in new and unprecedented ways.

His response to me was then of a kinder and gentler nature. He was “ok” again and I was relieved and at peace again.

Discovering Abraham-Hicks

I continued to reiki our relationship, because I had happened upon a miracle; I had never experienced such joy in my whole life, and I had become the source of that joy. In truth, Lucifer was merely the vehicle for it, although I attributed it, at that time, all to the nature of our profound connection.

Something that enabled me to wallow in what I can only describe is an utterly heavenly bliss within a relationship, was a relationship exercise I had happened upon while watching a video clip on YouTube of Abraham-Hicks.

Abraham-Hicks include a woman named Esther Hicks and an other-worldly entity she channels which calls himself Abraham. Abraham, through Esther, is providing the world with a large body of information on how to manipulate the Law of Attraction consciously, for your benefit.

At this time, I had been watching many Abraham-Hicks video clips on YouTube, which had been drawn to my attention by someone I had as a friend on Facebook who posted an Abraham-Hicks video. I was “collecting” the videos that I liked most.

One of the videos I had seen at that time contained a wonderful relationship exercise, which I subsequently did concerning my relationship with Lucifer. The exercise advocated dwelling only upon the positive, in particular, the positive aspects and qualities of another person and making a list of those positive qualities and remembering only them, associating the person with only those positive qualities and forgetting every single bad one. Combined with my reikiing experience, the results were unfathomably blissful. Because Lucifer was actually as wonderfully good as he was bad, as much of an angel as a demon, he had an abundance of powerfully good qualities for me to dwell on. I literally became lost in his Goodness and his love for me, as I remembered it. I was experiencing such a perpetual and profound state of unprecedented love and joy within the frames of this relationship, really all due to changes I was making in myself, that I began to tell myself that I had really found the blissful love relationship I had always lived for.

Yesterday, [I]the very same scenario[/I] occurred with my bf. A different trigger for me, but still he called me crazy and got angry at me. Everything was the same – [I]or was it[/I]? No, because I had healed myself and no longer had pain or emotional charge on being dismissed offhand .

I am so happy about this, I can’t even tell you how wonderful it feels to be able to have the power of the solution in your heart! . I feel so good!

Last week, I had a big fight with my boyfriend. Essentially, I had a reaction to something and he completely dismissed me by calling me crazy. I was upset already from the initial thing, but he has often called me crazy when he doesn’t understand me and it often sets me off. Meanwhile, he’ll call me crazy and then I start to get angry, ballistic angry, because then he disappears and stops talking to me for days and I’m left with so much upset and anger because he won’t speak or listen to me!

Last week when this happened, it was a big blow-up and I was questioning if I could salvage this and if I even wanted to. As I always do when I have bad feelings in my relationship with him, I reikied myself. As I reikied myself, I had the insight that I become “crazy” when he treats me like that, not because he is calling me crazy, but because he is dismissing and discounting me, judging me as crazy because he doesn’t understand me and doesn’t want to. He shuts off all communication.

As I continued to reiki myself, it dawned on me that this phenomenon hardly began with him. Indeed, this is a complaint I’ve had about all of my immediate and non-immediate family members ever since I’ve had a memory. It only began with family, but I have experienced it to lesser or greater degrees across the board throughout my whole life and it’s taken a horrible toll on my self-esteem and concept of self-worth. And here I found myself with someone, who is really fundamentally very good, moral and peace-loving, thinking he is the cause and blaming him for this recurring fight and wondering if I should even continue to stay with him.

This realization gave me the focus of my next reiki session. I spent the next 3-4 days without contact with my bf and doing reiki on myself for this upsetting issue of being dismissed, all the while not being sure if he and I would be together again. That didn’t matter. What mattered was that, if I didn’t heal this issue, it would recur in every romantic relationship I would attempt.

Then…

Yesterday, the very same scenario occurred with my bf. The thing that triggered my initial reaction was different, and my reaction too was different, but he still called me crazy and got angry at me. Everything was the same - or was it? No, because I had healed myself and no longer had pain or emotional charge on being dismissed offhand .

Soooo…when he called me crazy, I said “Just because you don’t understand me, doesn’t mean I’m crazy.” He continued to be angry at me, but not like last week, and I maintained myself the whole time. He was angry, but he was at least able to communicate with me, while last week he just shut me out and disappeared. Because he was able to communicate with me, I was able to answer him, explain my behavior to him a little. His anger at me didn’t bother me to such an extent that my reaction to it was controlling me.

Throughout the whole experience, I never once felt myself separated from my love for him by my own personal issues. Because of that, there was no fight and, in the end, I was able to get him smiling again and us speaking loving words to each other again. I was able to keep the peace between us, even though he got angry and called me crazy.

I am so happy about this, I can’t even tell you how wonderful it feels to be able to have the power of the solution in your heart! . I feel so good! I think that being able to stay with your love for someone as they are being poked and prodded by their own demons, and likely even to uplift them from the effects of their demons, in a relationship feels more wonderful and more rewarding than being in a relationship with someone who appeases the complaints of all of your own demons!

The most upsetting thing I am wondering, though, is how often is being told to dump someone actually the worst advice anyone could ever give you in a relationship??