Why do I fall apart when he stays away for days and days? More importantly, why does he stay away from me, why does he leave me…alone…wondering…writing…

“I sit alone here in my dark, silent room, writing to you by candlelight and staring out the window at the falling snow; each little snowflake living its brief moment in the light of the street lamp, lingering or hastened through this limelight at the whim of the wind, passing thus away, back into the dark space of night, becoming again invisible, forgotten.

Here I wait for you. I’ve waited for you all day. You said you would come. You did not come. I ask myself in my solitude ‘Did he forget me?’ I ask myself ‘Why does everyone forget me?’ like a small girl left waiting alone outside in the cold after her school has closed for the day and all her classmates have long since been picked up and taken back home to the warm embrace of a family. The small girl stands alone, shivering in the cold, unclaimed, abandoned, orphaned…scared. Nobody wants her, nobody remembers her – not even her own parents.

As I stare into the night, white with falling snow, deep inside me I feel this pain – my brief time in the light of your love is done.

I ask myself, ‘How many days will he desert me for this time? How many weeks?’

I ask myself, ‘Why did they forget me? Why did they leave me alone, waiting?’ Time after time, I only find one explanation – I am not worthy.”

*Finland-050505

The Luciferian Backslide

Monday, October 11th, 2010

Diary entry 11

(Diary entries are intended to be read in order)

The long and drawn-out process of detaching myself from Lucifer was like a dance of emotional to and fro – to him and from him. A waltz between bitter pain and anger, when I would use acidic words to try to make him feel guilty and fathom the egregious wrongs he had done me, and forgiving love, when I tried to draw him close to me, in forgetfulness of all wrongs, only remembering the sweetness of the love I once felt from him and for him. The length of a full cycle of these two waltz phases was initially anywhere from 1 week to a month.

By the time of this backslide to Lucifer, in October of 2009, one full waltz cycle would be completed roughly every six months, so I had made considerable progress. This time, the cycle was coming around again to the bitter anger phase, after roughly six months of no direct communication with him. This phase was almost instantly followed by a forgiving love phase, completing what would be the final full cycle of this agonizing dance of detachment.

A strange and shocking thing happened to instigate this cycle, which contained a particularly blissful forgiving love phase. I had done a reiki session on my relationship with Lucifer, because I felt I still had a lot of emotional anchors with him. I still felt quite disgusted by the male population in general as a result and I still recoiled at the mere suggestion of entering into another relationship.

Some days after that reiki session, on 14 October, 2009, I received an email from Lucifer which had an utterly devastating effect on me:

Hello Lucia. I miss you so much. I don’t know what to say, and I don’t know where you are or what you are doing… ? I would really like it if you told me everything about you, like you promised me one day. But I want to tell you something…that I have a little girl, her name is Serine Lucia. This way I will never forget you. And know that I love you and you will always be in my heart, despite everything.

That’s right. He named his first-born after me. I was so disgusted I became physically ill. Why?

Flashback to the Year 2005

The situation was this; I was geographically far away at a time during our relationship that we had had an enormous fight over the phone. That very same week, Lucifer allowed himself to be seduced by a decidedly promiscuous Algerian female (effectively dashing my misconception that Muslim females waited until marriage to have sex). Lucifer, being a tortured soul, immoral and (deservingly) unlucky, was the perfect target.

In moments of objectivity, I have looked at Lucifer, his life, his behavior and his choices and I have perceived how he almost seems to punish himself. It is as if he suffers from such guilt, that, subconsciously, he provides his own, deserved punishment. The situation he found himself in seems truly to be a bad miracle imposed upon him by his own subconscious guilt, for I can’t fathom even the existence of the kind of female he managed to attract into his life:

After seducing Lucifer, this female, “Lucifera,” went to the police and said that Lucifer had raped her. By doing so, according to Algerian law, Lucifera had forced Lucifer into a choice: he could go to prison, or he could marry Lucifera. (Yes, the punishment for rape in Algeria is marriage to the rape victim, or prison.)

The truth was that Lucifera had already engaged in sexual activity prior to meeting Lucifer and, furthermore, had recently been raped and accepted payment from her rapist not to go to the police. She then took advantage of the situation to indeed seduce Lucifer, as she suddenly found herself in the market for a husband. It became Lucifer’s word against hers, however, and Lucifer, as I said, was unlucky and a pathological liar, so, naturally, none of his family or friends believed him.

It would seem that, by her own reckoning, the fact that she was not a virgin would make it impossible for her to win a husband by means of any human virtue, such as Goodness, Honesty, Tenderness, Compassion or Love. Indeed, in her lack of those very virtues, she probably concluded correctly, that no man would marry her unless she tricked him into it by use of sex. Therefore, it appears, in retrospect, that she manipulated the immorality and weakness of some lowly male person, with the goal of setting him up for a false accusation of rape, in order to get a husband.

The Year 2009

It is within this historical context that these two “model citizens” had a baby and Lucifer named it after me. I don’t know if I was more nauseous or incensed. I was beside myself with sickness. Emotional sickness and physical sickness. Besides being chaste, I strive for goodness and all of the highest moral, spiritual virtues, not the least of which are Love, Truth and Compassion. The idea that Lucifer would mix me and the goodness I felt up in that twisted, sordid, perverse, demonic affair, and now its foul offspring, made me physically ill.

If I had been someone else, I might have laughed at Lucifera and her new daughter, because neither of them had the slightest clue that Lucifer had named the girl after his former love.

Instead, I was in tears of rage, as I went to my friend to cry and shout and swear about what Lucifer had done. This was the most unbelievable thing ever. I was blind with disgust and enraptured with the horror of having been made so intimately associated with what I felt to be such evil and treacherous workings. I truly might not have thought it possible, but, by my reckoning, Lucifer had incredulously succeeded in finding someone even more evil than himself.

After I told my friend and I cried and she advised me ad nauseum, I returned to my room to do reiki on myself. As I was reikiing myself on this issue, there was a great fury welling up inside me. Finally, it became so great, that I gave in to it – I, unwisely, stopped reikiing myself and, for the first time since I’d known him, I wrote the most furious, scathing, degrading email to Lucifer that I have ever written to anyone. I let everything out. I held nothing back. I wrote things I had thought or felt in the past, but never said in order to avoid hurting him. I left no word unsaid and I told him, under no uncertain terms, what I thought of that Satan baby that he gave my name to. I had a slight pang of conscience about that, but I told myself – “It may not be a Satan baby at birth, but, by God, it will be one soon enough, with Lucifer as father and with a mother even more diabolical than he, plus being surrounded, as it will be, by the whole Luciferian family.”

I felt so good after writing and sending that email! Usually I keep my anger bottled up inside me, because I can’t deal with hurting others, nor can I deal with their reactions. But ohhhhhhhh, it felt good! It was the first time ever that I did not care if Lucifer ever spoke to me again – and that is why I sent it. I didn’t care.

Soon enough, however, I began to realize that I will have to deal with his response, which was, simply “Thanks, Lucia. Thanks a lot.”

Guilt for what I had written began to consume me. The reason I keep my anger and hurt bottled up inside me, or that I express it in private, is specifically because I usually can’t live with myself after expressing my anger to someone. I do say the most horrible, acidic things when I let go of my anger. It shocks people, because I appear so mild. I was sure that I would go to hell just for the nature of the things I wrote in that email alone.

After I wrote the biting email to Lucifer, I continued to reiki the pain I felt from him. After two hours, I finally began to relax a little bit and my angry thoughts and feelings began to subside.

A Hard Reiki Lesson

One should never react to emotions and pain (or a healing crisis) that is kicked up during a reiki session, because one is bound to say or do things one will regret profusely; for once the reiki session is concluded and the negative emotions and pain have then been processed and released, after minutes, hours, or days, the emotions and pain you may react to while in the midst of a session will have subsided and will have left you with a feeling of tranquility. In this case, you will likely wish to turn back time or undo or unsay anything you did or said while in the midst of the session or its immediate aftermath. This is a lesson I still have not learned.

In the days that followed, I therefore had to do a lot of damage control. I reikied myself and my relationship with Lucifer every day. My intentions for each session included “Heal this relationship.” “Heal Lucifer and lead him to understand me, my pain and angry words, and to forgive me.”

The outstanding irony of everything I did reiki for, was that, although I had intended for Lucifer to become understanding and forgiving of me, I found that, in the course of the reiki, I was the one becoming understanding and forgiving of him. I literally felt the shifts taking place inside of me as I felt the energy going through me.

This result was far better for me than it would have been if he had been the one to become understanding and forgiving, as I had asked and wished. The reason for this is, it feels absolutely heavenly to feel what I proceeded to feel for the next month! Feeling forgiveness and understanding, indeed, feeling love, for someone else, as I did, puts you in a state of joyful ecstasy! Whereas, the person you feel forgiveness and understanding for is still stuck in their misery!

In fact, during one reiki session I did on the day after having received the email, I had a great new feeling open up in me, which I could not have even conceived would ever open up in me again since knowing Lucifer. During my reiki session, I felt: “I want to get married and experience sex and maybe even have a baby. I want my husband to be and work with me in my sanctuary in Algeria and share my vision. I can do better than Lucifer.”

In these 15 minutes of reiki, I felt myself moving away from Lucifer emotionally, for the first time ever, and realizing I can have love and my sanctuary.

After several days of reikiing myself, Lucifer and our relationship, I felt inspired to respond to his hurt-laden email. My response was of an unprecedented nature. I found, in my response, that I had automatically, or magically become what I had asked in my reiki sessions that he become – forgiving and understanding in new and unprecedented ways.

His response to me was then of a kinder and gentler nature. He was “ok” again and I was relieved and at peace again.

Discovering Abraham-Hicks

I continued to reiki our relationship, because I had happened upon a miracle; I had never experienced such joy in my whole life, and I had become the source of that joy. In truth, Lucifer was merely the vehicle for it, although I attributed it, at that time, all to the nature of our profound connection.

Something that enabled me to wallow in what I can only describe is an utterly heavenly bliss within a relationship, was a relationship exercise I had happened upon while watching a video clip on YouTube of Abraham-Hicks.

Abraham-Hicks include a woman named Esther Hicks and an other-worldly entity she channels which calls himself Abraham. Abraham, through Esther, is providing the world with a large body of information on how to manipulate the Law of Attraction consciously, for your benefit.

At this time, I had been watching many Abraham-Hicks video clips on YouTube, which had been drawn to my attention by someone I had as a friend on Facebook who posted an Abraham-Hicks video. I was “collecting” the videos that I liked most.

One of the videos I had seen at that time contained a wonderful relationship exercise, which I subsequently did concerning my relationship with Lucifer. The exercise advocated dwelling only upon the positive, in particular, the positive aspects and qualities of another person and making a list of those positive qualities and remembering only them, associating the person with only those positive qualities and forgetting every single bad one. Combined with my reikiing experience, the results were unfathomably blissful. Because Lucifer was actually as wonderfully good as he was bad, as much of an angel as a demon, he had an abundance of powerfully good qualities for me to dwell on. I literally became lost in his Goodness and his love for me, as I remembered it. I was experiencing such a perpetual and profound state of unprecedented love and joy within the frames of this relationship, really all due to changes I was making in myself, that I began to tell myself that I had really found the blissful love relationship I had always lived for.

The Finnish autumn is setting in again, and with it, the usual feeling of emotional desolation, fear, loneliness and despair come creeping inside me morning by morning, more intensely with each passing day. What is it about the dark morning chill that seems to torment me with my solitude and fill me with emptiness? What is it about the Nordic autumn that leads my thoughts to the edge of dying and overwhelms my once love-filled heart with a desperate fear that all society, all family, all humanity has left me behind and forgotten me?

I wake up alone in my bed morning after morning, like every day of every season, but only with the onset of autumn does the full reality of my alienation and estrangement in this world come crashing down on me, filling me with ever-increasing despair and loneliness, replacing my hopes and sense of meaning with a desperate sense of futility and abandonment.

The dawn comes later and later, the darkness extends ever-farther into the day, ever-so-gradually snuffing out the light of life…and the chill in the air…how do these things bear with them these tragic emotions and place them into my heart? And why am I always alone? Why always excluded on the outskirts of lives?

This time last year, I sunk into a deep depression for weeks. I cried profoundly, every day, I don’t even know why, there was no logic. I could not control my tears and, of course, being alone, there is never a need to even try.

This year I am so much better. My depression was so severe last autumn, and my inexplicable crying so frequent and intense that it drove me right into the arms of my fiancé, at least in my imagination. Still now, I am only in his arms in my imagination, but at least we are close in heart and in mind. That is the only thing that keeps me from falling apart again. Still, I am left with an intense loneliness, a yearning to be with him that is tearing at me more and more each autumn day, and the fear growing in me of the autumn’s foreboding of a cold, dark and wintry death.

10.10.2005 Finland

Diary entry 2

This time last year, I was in Algeria and I had suffered a profound mental and emotional breakdown. This time last year, I had unofficially quit my translation job of ten years. This time last year, I had a plan; I was going to kill myself and I had a plan to do it. Prior to this, I had done research on effective and sure ways to commit suicide, and I had pondered and begun to devise plans, but I had never had a plan as likely to succeed as this one, and I had never had the preparedness to execute such a plan. This time I did.

My plan necessarily involved travel. In one week, my visa to stay in Algeria would expire, so I had to leave. My plan necessitated that I be in a specific country (not Algeria) and that I store my luggage in the airport lockers of an airport in that specific country. It necessitated that I then travel to a specific area of that country to complete the execution of my plan, all on my own. On this day last year, I had this plan.

On March 26th last year, I was walking to the bus in Ain Turck, Algeria to go into the nearby city, Oran, to buy food. On my way, I fell on the sidewalk and broke my foot.

At 40 years old, I had never gotten any more than scrapes and bruises from falling down, and hadn’t broken a bone since I was six years old…until last March 26th, 2008. I would blame the miniature rock quarries that pass for sidewalks in Algeria, except for the fact that I was actually walking on a portion of sidewalk that was completely safe and in-tact. My shoes were a little big, and my feet were sliding around a lot in them, but still…

On this very day last year, March 27th, in meeting a certain Algerian…let’s call him “Lucifer”… I had fulfilled the reason I had gone to Algeria. In some parallel universe, Lucifer loved me; in this one, he lied to me, he cheated on me and he stole my heart, my mind and my money. I still loved him, because he had loved me and I had never had any feeling of being loved before and I was insanely desperate for it, so I just couldn’t let go of that love, or even the memory of it. I had to meet him one last time, just to see for myself how far away from his love for me he had come. He had come far.

One week after our meeting, I had to leave Algeria…with a broken foot, on crutches…with my luggage. My plan had to be postponed. I couldn’t even carry my own luggage, let alone carry out my plan. The Algerian doctor who had treated me had told me, however, that after two weeks with the cast, I should be able to have it taken off and to walk on my foot.

I left Algeria last year on Saturday, April 5th, the day my visa expired. I had nowhere to go. I had no domicile, I had no home. Prior to departing for Algeria on June 2nd, 2007, I had given up the apartment in Finland I had been living in for ten years and put all of my belongings into storage. I didn’t care what happened to me. You could say I had a death wish and, in a sense, I had become reckless.

So on April 5th I flew out of Oran, Algeria, headed for Paris. I spent two nights at the Charles de Gaulle airport. I had decided in the time at the Paris airport that I would fly to Helsinki, where I had to take care of some matters before dying, so I would also have a doctor take my cast off and then I would proceed with my plan. I was just biding my time at the Paris airport so that the prescribed two weeks would pass by the time the doctor in Finland was to look at my foot.

After two nights at the airport in Paris, I took a plane to Helsinki. I stayed two nights at the Helsinki airport too. On the second day, I went to a medical center, almost miraculously and thankfully located only some hundred meters from the airport itself. I had had the cast on for two weeks to the day.

The doctor and the nurse removed the heavy Algerian plaster cast and I became a little perplexed as to how I should be able to walk on my very painful and swollen, very purple and blue colored foot. The Finnish doctor informed me that I must have the cast on for two more weeks, a total of one month. Not only that, but he said I mustn’t fly. He put on a new cast and I was stuck in Finland with a cast, crutches, luggage, no help and nowhere to go but the freezing cold airport. I was forced to call for help.

I called one of the two friends I had made in Finland, knowing I had to impose myself upon her and knowing how the people in that country hate to be imposed upon, especially in their homes. I didn’t think I had any friends of whom I could ever ask such a great imposition. I was crying on the phone when I told my story. My friend said I could stay with her and her family for the two weeks until I got my cast off. Today this friend holds a unique place in my heart, even if our contact is sporadic.

I stayed two weeks with my friend and also managed to take care of the matter I needed to take care of before dying. What happened, however, during those two weeks…I continued to have email contact with Lucifer. Like I said, I still loved him and I still needed him. The mere shadows of his love were like a fading supply of oxygen. He indicated he was worried about me. I told him my plan. He was the only one. He was the only one I could talk to about what was in my heart, including suicide, because he had spoken to me of suicide, and, I believed, he had spoken to me from the depths of his heart.

In the end, I promised Lucifer that I would not kill myself. He had also made some promises to me which he said he would keep on the condition that I take care of myself, not kill myself, and keep him updated as to how I am and what I am doing. I don’t think either of us thought that he would ever keep any of his promises. The truth is, part of me was looking for a reason not to kill myself, part of me didn’t really want to kill myself, after all (suicide is not as easy as people think if you think about what you’re doing). Lucifer’s seemingly heartfelt caring, though likely feigned, and his, again seemingly, sincere request for follow-ups on me, plus promises on his part to become a better person, were all I needed to abandon my plan and make a new one. And that’s what I did.

Please note that the comments are closed on all “My Diary” entries. This category is to read like a book, and each post as a chapter. Please feel free to use the contact form on the “Contact” page for any feedback.

Diary entry 1

Given the continued unstable nature of my life, I decided I should post a diary on my website. In my life, I can never know where I will be or how long I will be there (geographically speaking), and even less, what I will be doing when I get there. Nowadays I can usually only see one step beyond my current situation, and even then, all is apt to change if things don’t go as planned (presuming there’s a plan). As such, there will be periods when I may not have any Internet access and I won’t know when I might have Internet access again. Since this site has become quite important to me, I want to add a diary, so whatever happens will be anticipated to anyone reading, and I won’t just suddenly disappear without warning. Because I know 0 about web design, the only way I know to establish a diary on my site is to add another category to my blog called “My Diary,” where I will post diary entries. I’ll try to keep the category limited to what is going on (or what has gone on) in my “real life,” as opposed to in my imagination, poetry or the thoughts in my mind. Most of the time, however, they all coalesce (usually without my awareness).

I had wanted to begin this website as a success story, rising from the dead like a glorious Phoenix out of the ashes of utter devastation and destruction, having triumphed over all my fears and miseries, having all of the answers, being 110% healed, my head and heart put together, successful and serving as a guiding light for others who were struggling in their suffering like I was. I passionately wanted to help others, not limited to – but especially – people like me, the commonly misunderstood, with serious and deep-rooted emotional troubles, who might be suicidal, self-mutilating, severely depressed, or whose lives have been defined by devastating and repeated childhood traumas/experiences that have burned a brand of patterns of suffering on them, to such an extent that, even despite recourse to all resources imaginable to them in their lives, they are still at a loss concerning how to free themselves of the suffering patterns. I wanted to have credibility and ability to offer compassion, understanding and wisdom, which I think is a difficult and rare combination to find anywhere. I wanted to be a model, not only of someone who had overcome extended childhood and adolescent emotional and psychological abuse and neglect and their consequences, but who did so without espousing a hardened heart or a mind which lingered in hatred or revenge; I wanted to become a role model for breaking the vicious circle of the evil and bad we perpetrate upon one another in this world. And I wanted to do all of that without revealing any of my own lingering dysfunctions, depression, flaws or struggle. However, it turns out that the site, like the Phoenix, is up and…well, I’m not.

This site is the only thing I have going for me right now that I care about (and the only thing I’ve ever cared about that wasn’t a man), and I’m more than pleased about having this lovely little cyber corner where I can delightfully weave my own delicate, glistening dew-drop-donned web … pages, which are becoming like a real home for me now, so I’ll try to make all I write on the blog as coherent and organized as possible. (Routine and organization-two things I strive for but which always elude my grasp.)

Thus, rather abruptly and poorly transitioned, concludes the “Introduction to My Diary.”