I thought I might like to start doing some short free reiki sessions on other people. I was just thinking that if any of you who find your way to this little corner of the world wide web have some things disturbing you in some way, maybe you might like to try a short free distance reiki session with me.

With all of the new changes coming into my life now, I feel like getting a little more experience on giving reiki to people who are not me. So if you are not me, and you want to see what reiki is like, just send me a message on my contact page and maybe we can arrange a time.

If you want to do this, be aware that you will have to discuss with me whatever issue (emotional or physical) you want healing on.

The Mother of All Relationships

Diary entry 12

(Diary entries are intended to be read in order)

Psychotherapy – a very slow, but helpful process

In therapy and healing, explanation and understanding for your feelings and behaviors are gradually unfolded to you, and week by week, not all at once. All my young life, I was 110% certain I was a “basket case” (as my father used to say) specifically as a result of a megalomaniacal, emotionally abusive and manipulative father. It is only to my surprise that I have been finding out through my reiki and my psychotherapy, I estimate, that roughly 95% of my own dysfunction in love relationships has been passed to me from maternal neglect, and not paternal psychosis.

The realization which was revealed to me, that the primary source of the most severe, profound and enduring damage to my psyche that had been brought upon me as a baby, a child and then a teenager was actually my mother’s neglect and not my father’s psychosis, was a little uncomfortable. My relationship with my mother had become pretty good, relatively speaking. Today it is better than it has ever been in my life.

Despite the relatively good (= peaceful, ≠ close) relationship I have with my mother nowadays, with diminishing frequency, thankfully, there are still moments when her worry for her money rises to the surface and I once again am transported back to the old, awful feelings of feeling worthless and disposable, of being #10 on her 10-item list of priorities.

It must be said at this point in my story, that this tension is caused by the fact that, since I had intended to kill myself last April, 2008 (read story), a promise I then made not to do so required that I return to the country of my childhood, where my mother still lived, and that I be financially supported by family (primarily my mother, secondarily my brother—both of whom are quite wealthy) and also undergo intensive therapy. Naturally, in such a mental state, I also quit my job of ten years.

That is to say, that because my mother and step-father do not want me to live with them, my mother has been paying my rent all of this time, and paid my food for a year, while I have been looking for a job for over a year now and continuing to see a psychologist, also at my mother’s expense.

It is in this context that my mother’s worry about her money now and then surfaces and I have a relapse into my “dark place.” In fact, I have noticed that it is ultimately her worry and caring about money and her long-standing emotional detachment from me and my life, her “unworry” and uncaring about me, which used to trigger in me the desperate solution to kill myself, since I felt incapable of sustaining my life on earth just by myself in the state I was in, and I felt I was a great, and sometimes resented, burden to family members.

This feeling of being a resented burden to family was perpetuated, if not also partially created, by my mother’s (seemingly unfounded) financial concerns, as well as some personality issues, by which she avoided becoming emotionally close to anyone, including me, and perpetuated even more profoundly by the far more harsh words and authoritarian, critical and uninformed judgments habitually passed on me by my brother.

I find myself ever-pressured by both family members to go in life directions and do things that would make me utterly miserable in my life, usually a direction opposite to the one I am trying to go–and on occasion, I find I do things, take certain steps or develop plans (and begin to carry them out) that I know they will think are good and smart, just to make them happy with me, so I can have something to tell them, to distract them or buy time to find my own solution and get out of my dependency on and obligation to them.

Due to our opposite personalities, the impossibility of them ever understanding me or ceasing to pressure me and badly judge me, I let them talk at me, “suggesting” to me all kinds of things I should do with my life, things totally unsuited to me that prove they have no idea who I am. I keep my opinions and plans to myself, giving them as little information about what I’m doing, planning or thinking as possible, in order to minimize the damage their responses will have on my emotional state and on my mind, which is both fragile and vulnerable, especially to family.

Last winter, on the occasion of another episode of my mother’s “money-worry,” my usual solution of suicide was reduced to thoughts of merely getting evicted onto the street, and probably an eventual death as a result.

These solutions of mine always seem to involve 200% rejection of family—first their rejection of me in some form, then my subsequent rejection of them and, lastly, of myself. I begin to think things like “She can keep her precious money, I don’t need her or her money!” And this goes hand-in-hand with the acceptance that I will die, or go to live on the street, simply because I don’t know how to live; I haven’t the self-confidence or the emotional and mental foundation necessary to get or hold a job and I am literally not able to survive in this world. All I want at times like that is that she keep her money and I stop burdening her with my life, while simultaneously not having the slightest care for what happens to me as a result. I thereby free myself from her resentment of me needing her support, or the horrible experience of feeling her hesitancy at helping me. If the decision is not clear-cut for her, then I take away the option to help me entirely. I might die, but at least I will die free of any feeling of guilt.

Another of these episodes occurred again this past week, as she brought to my attention the fact that she is worried about her money, even in spite of the fact that I now have several fortuitous and promising leads on jobs, and I have been getting an increasing amount of work as a freelance translator now from my former employer. This time, instead of turning to thoughts of suicide, I thought more and more certainly that I will tell her to stop paying my rent, stop giving me her money, starting now.

I could make it through December without her money. And I would either succeed in earning money, or, if not, I could at least escape this room I stay in and escape this entire situation, and, best of all, be free, again, of family. However, I feel fairly confident that I will be earning some money by the end of December. Nonetheless, I think I would be willing to take the risk. The more time passes, the better freedom from family looks–eventually it will become priceless.

I managed quite well to ignore my mother’s money-worry when I got her email this week, but today, as I was explaining the situation to my roommate, I felt the full force of her concern for her money.

I felt bad again and feeling bad is almost becoming a foreign experience to me. I didn’t like it. I set about writing down my feelings and thoughts around the situation:

As always, my mother is pressuring me to do things that will keep me down and perpetually dependent in life – she just wants to ensure that she is not the one I am dependent on. And no amount of positive developments will give her any hope or respite from the fate it seems she has already doomed me to in her own mind.

As I was letting out all of my thoughts and feelings onto paper, I had remembered words fromAbraham-Hicks, video clips of whom I have been watching a lot in the last few weeks, who said that you don’t need to delve into the past for your life to work for you—all you need to do is heal yourself in the now, address the now, cause yourself to feel good right now. This gave me the idea to reiki my present feelings and thoughts, which I did.

Feeling quite bad and emotional, I set my intention for my reiki at that moment to be to “heal all the thoughts and feelings I am having right now, and remove and heal the cause and source of all of these thoughts and feelings.” Then I began to reiki myself.

I recorded the time of the start of reiki at 10:28. I felt the reiki coursing through me. By 10:30, another teaching of Abraham came to my mind. Abraham says that when you are faced with a challenging relationship, think of all of the positive aspects of the person you have the relationship with and write them down, and associate the person only with those aspects.

As I continued to reiki, I immediately wrote this down and thought of two items about my mother for this list immediately. I was able to add some more items. As I continued reikiing, I began to feel some things: the heavy weight of my pain was lifted from my heart as I felt the reiki coursing through me, and a dark cloud, like a frown, was cleared from my mind and I felt lightened, I also began to feel great love for this miracle, reiki, and wondered how I ever lived without it, and I answered myself: “Miserably!”

And this all transpired in the course of nine minutes.

The Luciferian Backslide

Monday, October 11th, 2010

Diary entry 11

(Diary entries are intended to be read in order)

The long and drawn-out process of detaching myself from Lucifer was like a dance of emotional to and fro – to him and from him. A waltz between bitter pain and anger, when I would use acidic words to try to make him feel guilty and fathom the egregious wrongs he had done me, and forgiving love, when I tried to draw him close to me, in forgetfulness of all wrongs, only remembering the sweetness of the love I once felt from him and for him. The length of a full cycle of these two waltz phases was initially anywhere from 1 week to a month.

By the time of this backslide to Lucifer, in October of 2009, one full waltz cycle would be completed roughly every six months, so I had made considerable progress. This time, the cycle was coming around again to the bitter anger phase, after roughly six months of no direct communication with him. This phase was almost instantly followed by a forgiving love phase, completing what would be the final full cycle of this agonizing dance of detachment.

A strange and shocking thing happened to instigate this cycle, which contained a particularly blissful forgiving love phase. I had done a reiki session on my relationship with Lucifer, because I felt I still had a lot of emotional anchors with him. I still felt quite disgusted by the male population in general as a result and I still recoiled at the mere suggestion of entering into another relationship.

Some days after that reiki session, on 14 October, 2009, I received an email from Lucifer which had an utterly devastating effect on me:

Hello Lucia. I miss you so much. I don’t know what to say, and I don’t know where you are or what you are doing… ? I would really like it if you told me everything about you, like you promised me one day. But I want to tell you something…that I have a little girl, her name is Serine Lucia. This way I will never forget you. And know that I love you and you will always be in my heart, despite everything.

That’s right. He named his first-born after me. I was so disgusted I became physically ill. Why?

Flashback to the Year 2005

The situation was this; I was geographically far away at a time during our relationship that we had had an enormous fight over the phone. That very same week, Lucifer allowed himself to be seduced by a decidedly promiscuous Algerian female (effectively dashing my misconception that Muslim females waited until marriage to have sex). Lucifer, being a tortured soul, immoral and (deservingly) unlucky, was the perfect target.

In moments of objectivity, I have looked at Lucifer, his life, his behavior and his choices and I have perceived how he almost seems to punish himself. It is as if he suffers from such guilt, that, subconsciously, he provides his own, deserved punishment. The situation he found himself in seems truly to be a bad miracle imposed upon him by his own subconscious guilt, for I can’t fathom even the existence of the kind of female he managed to attract into his life:

After seducing Lucifer, this female, “Lucifera,” went to the police and said that Lucifer had raped her. By doing so, according to Algerian law, Lucifera had forced Lucifer into a choice: he could go to prison, or he could marry Lucifera. (Yes, the punishment for rape in Algeria is marriage to the rape victim, or prison.)

The truth was that Lucifera had already engaged in sexual activity prior to meeting Lucifer and, furthermore, had recently been raped and accepted payment from her rapist not to go to the police. She then took advantage of the situation to indeed seduce Lucifer, as she suddenly found herself in the market for a husband. It became Lucifer’s word against hers, however, and Lucifer, as I said, was unlucky and a pathological liar, so, naturally, none of his family or friends believed him.

It would seem that, by her own reckoning, the fact that she was not a virgin would make it impossible for her to win a husband by means of any human virtue, such as Goodness, Honesty, Tenderness, Compassion or Love. Indeed, in her lack of those very virtues, she probably concluded correctly, that no man would marry her unless she tricked him into it by use of sex. Therefore, it appears, in retrospect, that she manipulated the immorality and weakness of some lowly male person, with the goal of setting him up for a false accusation of rape, in order to get a husband.

The Year 2009

It is within this historical context that these two “model citizens” had a baby and Lucifer named it after me. I don’t know if I was more nauseous or incensed. I was beside myself with sickness. Emotional sickness and physical sickness. Besides being chaste, I strive for goodness and all of the highest moral, spiritual virtues, not the least of which are Love, Truth and Compassion. The idea that Lucifer would mix me and the goodness I felt up in that twisted, sordid, perverse, demonic affair, and now its foul offspring, made me physically ill.

If I had been someone else, I might have laughed at Lucifera and her new daughter, because neither of them had the slightest clue that Lucifer had named the girl after his former love.

Instead, I was in tears of rage, as I went to my friend to cry and shout and swear about what Lucifer had done. This was the most unbelievable thing ever. I was blind with disgust and enraptured with the horror of having been made so intimately associated with what I felt to be such evil and treacherous workings. I truly might not have thought it possible, but, by my reckoning, Lucifer had incredulously succeeded in finding someone even more evil than himself.

After I told my friend and I cried and she advised me ad nauseum, I returned to my room to do reiki on myself. As I was reikiing myself on this issue, there was a great fury welling up inside me. Finally, it became so great, that I gave in to it – I, unwisely, stopped reikiing myself and, for the first time since I’d known him, I wrote the most furious, scathing, degrading email to Lucifer that I have ever written to anyone. I let everything out. I held nothing back. I wrote things I had thought or felt in the past, but never said in order to avoid hurting him. I left no word unsaid and I told him, under no uncertain terms, what I thought of that Satan baby that he gave my name to. I had a slight pang of conscience about that, but I told myself – “It may not be a Satan baby at birth, but, by God, it will be one soon enough, with Lucifer as father and with a mother even more diabolical than he, plus being surrounded, as it will be, by the whole Luciferian family.”

I felt so good after writing and sending that email! Usually I keep my anger bottled up inside me, because I can’t deal with hurting others, nor can I deal with their reactions. But ohhhhhhhh, it felt good! It was the first time ever that I did not care if Lucifer ever spoke to me again – and that is why I sent it. I didn’t care.

Soon enough, however, I began to realize that I will have to deal with his response, which was, simply “Thanks, Lucia. Thanks a lot.”

Guilt for what I had written began to consume me. The reason I keep my anger and hurt bottled up inside me, or that I express it in private, is specifically because I usually can’t live with myself after expressing my anger to someone. I do say the most horrible, acidic things when I let go of my anger. It shocks people, because I appear so mild. I was sure that I would go to hell just for the nature of the things I wrote in that email alone.

After I wrote the biting email to Lucifer, I continued to reiki the pain I felt from him. After two hours, I finally began to relax a little bit and my angry thoughts and feelings began to subside.

A Hard Reiki Lesson

One should never react to emotions and pain (or a healing crisis) that is kicked up during a reiki session, because one is bound to say or do things one will regret profusely; for once the reiki session is concluded and the negative emotions and pain have then been processed and released, after minutes, hours, or days, the emotions and pain you may react to while in the midst of a session will have subsided and will have left you with a feeling of tranquility. In this case, you will likely wish to turn back time or undo or unsay anything you did or said while in the midst of the session or its immediate aftermath. This is a lesson I still have not learned.

In the days that followed, I therefore had to do a lot of damage control. I reikied myself and my relationship with Lucifer every day. My intentions for each session included “Heal this relationship.” “Heal Lucifer and lead him to understand me, my pain and angry words, and to forgive me.”

The outstanding irony of everything I did reiki for, was that, although I had intended for Lucifer to become understanding and forgiving of me, I found that, in the course of the reiki, I was the one becoming understanding and forgiving of him. I literally felt the shifts taking place inside of me as I felt the energy going through me.

This result was far better for me than it would have been if he had been the one to become understanding and forgiving, as I had asked and wished. The reason for this is, it feels absolutely heavenly to feel what I proceeded to feel for the next month! Feeling forgiveness and understanding, indeed, feeling love, for someone else, as I did, puts you in a state of joyful ecstasy! Whereas, the person you feel forgiveness and understanding for is still stuck in their misery!

In fact, during one reiki session I did on the day after having received the email, I had a great new feeling open up in me, which I could not have even conceived would ever open up in me again since knowing Lucifer. During my reiki session, I felt: “I want to get married and experience sex and maybe even have a baby. I want my husband to be and work with me in my sanctuary in Algeria and share my vision. I can do better than Lucifer.”

In these 15 minutes of reiki, I felt myself moving away from Lucifer emotionally, for the first time ever, and realizing I can have love and my sanctuary.

After several days of reikiing myself, Lucifer and our relationship, I felt inspired to respond to his hurt-laden email. My response was of an unprecedented nature. I found, in my response, that I had automatically, or magically become what I had asked in my reiki sessions that he become – forgiving and understanding in new and unprecedented ways.

His response to me was then of a kinder and gentler nature. He was “ok” again and I was relieved and at peace again.

Discovering Abraham-Hicks

I continued to reiki our relationship, because I had happened upon a miracle; I had never experienced such joy in my whole life, and I had become the source of that joy. In truth, Lucifer was merely the vehicle for it, although I attributed it, at that time, all to the nature of our profound connection.

Something that enabled me to wallow in what I can only describe is an utterly heavenly bliss within a relationship, was a relationship exercise I had happened upon while watching a video clip on YouTube of Abraham-Hicks.

Abraham-Hicks include a woman named Esther Hicks and an other-worldly entity she channels which calls himself Abraham. Abraham, through Esther, is providing the world with a large body of information on how to manipulate the Law of Attraction consciously, for your benefit.

At this time, I had been watching many Abraham-Hicks video clips on YouTube, which had been drawn to my attention by someone I had as a friend on Facebook who posted an Abraham-Hicks video. I was “collecting” the videos that I liked most.

One of the videos I had seen at that time contained a wonderful relationship exercise, which I subsequently did concerning my relationship with Lucifer. The exercise advocated dwelling only upon the positive, in particular, the positive aspects and qualities of another person and making a list of those positive qualities and remembering only them, associating the person with only those positive qualities and forgetting every single bad one. Combined with my reikiing experience, the results were unfathomably blissful. Because Lucifer was actually as wonderfully good as he was bad, as much of an angel as a demon, he had an abundance of powerfully good qualities for me to dwell on. I literally became lost in his Goodness and his love for me, as I remembered it. I was experiencing such a perpetual and profound state of unprecedented love and joy within the frames of this relationship, really all due to changes I was making in myself, that I began to tell myself that I had really found the blissful love relationship I had always lived for.

Diary entry 10

(Diary entries are intended to be read in order)

After my experience with the “mother of all healing crises,” I was afraid to do reiki for a period of several months. I went on “reiki hiatus.”

I continued to see my psychologist, but without the aid of reiki. It felt as though the monumental shift that had taken place in me as a result of the last healing session had eradicated the source of my suicidal depression, and cleared me out enough emotionally that I could begin to intend some good things for myself without the interference of subconscious self-sabotage. All the same, I knew I had a lot more work to do on myself before I should pursue or accept a new love relationship. I was still profoundly attached to my previous love, Lucifer, even though the attachment no longer had any form in outward reality. I still felt spiritually and emotionally attached and committed to him to some extent, and couldn’t fathom how I could ever move on. Therefore, I deduced that nothing good could come of a relationship I entered or was coaxed into at that point.

I felt, however, that I was free of the bulk and most severe of my depression. This, indeed, was true, however, there was more left to heal than I had known. I furthermore realized that, all of these years, I had not been making a distinction between my depression and my anxiety; I had been experiencing them together all this time, but only thinking it was depression. However, it turns out that you can have depression and even suicidal thoughts without anxiety. I’m happy to report that at least my anxiety seemed to be, perhaps, 98% gone. As for my depression – let’s just say it was no longer a permanent state or my default response – let’s say it was 90-95% gone.

Yearning for something completely different

In my desire to escape myself and my life as I had known it, I had always known that a radical change would jolt me out of my prevailing state and possibly give me direction as well. I thought that what I really needed would be to spend some months in an Indian ashram meditating, doing yoga and learning about spiritual wisdom from yogis, so that I might rise above my emotional issues with wisdom and composure, grace and beauty, instead of the fits of shouting and tears I was prone to.

Well, I could not afford such an endeavor. Unexpectedly, I managed to happen onto the next best thing, right here in New York City. I had been looking on Craig’s List for months trying to find a yoga center where I could volunteer in exchange for yoga classes. That’s how I found a Naam yoga center in Manhattan. It was practically a yogic ashram in the middle of the city.

The center I found practiced Naam yoga, which has been explained to me more accurately as Kundalini yoga with the addition of Kabbalahic theoretical teachings and beliefs.

The benefits I derived from this yoga center, which comprise another major step in my healing and development, were in some of the different meditations.

In early summer, 2009, I had taken a Naam yoga class, in which the instructor provided a certain meditation; a certain mantra to chant and a certain mudra (hand position), which he said would increase our capacity to love and to heal others merely by our presence. His words appealed so much to me, that on that very same day, I went home and began that meditation.

I did that same meditation every day for more than 40 days. I noticed changes taking place in me as I was meditating. I could feel myself vibrating, as I did when I channeled reiki, after chanting the mantra.

As I continued the meditation day by day, I noticed myself going through a process, as if the meditation itself were setting my healing in motion, just as the reiki did, or clarifying my mind, bringing me wisdom or a greater connection with wise, spiritual sources, talking to me.

Sometimes thoughts of painful things would come up during the meditation and I would start crying—sometimes so much that I couldn’t speak to chant the mantra anymore.

After doing the meditation for an extended number of days, I began to get wonderful, wise thoughts and ideas in my head while meditating. Finally, I was getting so many, that I started a “meditation journal,” where I would write down my thoughts as I had them, because otherwise they would escape me, like smoke vanishing into the air.

Unconscious Love

While I was no longer an unconscious lover of someone else, as I had been of Lucifer (Who is Lucifer?), I was being “loved” unconsciously by several young men from afar, whose advances I had made many efforts to thwart.

But what is unconscious love? Without my inquiring, this is one of the many answers that came to me in my meditations:

Conscious Love Vs. Unconscious Love

August 29th, 2009

Conscious love is self-sacrificing,
Unconscious love is self-serving.

Conscious love respects its beloved’s will,
Unconscious love imposes its own will on its beloved.

Conscious love results in freedom,
Unconscious love results in bondage.

Conscious love is constant,
Unconscious love is erratic.

Conscious love seeks only the highest good for its beloved,
Unconscious love seeks its own immediate gratification.

Thus, strive only to love consciously, or not at all.

As someone who has been both a giver and a receiver of unconscious love, yet who has also experienced the giving of conscious love, I feel qualified to observe that unconscious love is what happens when we love someone sincerely and then pass that love through the dirty filter of our psychological, emotional problems and behavioral patterns. Suddenly, our love is not pure anymore, but becomes tainted with manipulation and selfish desires and requirements which are not of love.

I call this “unconscious love” for two reasons. Firstly, it must be called “love,” even though it may more often resemble or feel like hatred. Many-a-time, for example, I had wished Lucifer, who loved me, would have just killed me to put me out of my misery instead of continuing to love me. Occasionally I would ask him, how would he be worse to me if he hated me. It was clear in his response that he was a tortured soul.

The unconscious lover will swear up and down that he loves, indeed, when I examine myself, even now, in the times I have exercised unconscious love, I know I did love the man. I loved Lucifer, but we tortured each other.

Secondly, it must be called “unconscious,” for this is the element that makes this kind of love torturous, for both the lover and the beloved. “Unconscious,” because this love is implemented and expressed through us by means of our unconscious behavior, which has been formed by all of our past pain, beginning, but not ending with, that given to us by our parents.

The cure to unconscious love is to become conscious of and then to eliminate the causes of our programmed behaviors. This almost always necessarily involves emotional release, which is what I effectively achieve by using reiki.

This realization was important for me, because my entire life has been driven by the singular desire and yearning to find a true love with a man, which will prove impossible if I continue to love unconsciously.

Further, I have had the insight that, when you stop focusing on yourself in a love relationship, or in any circumstance really, when you let go of your self-concern, only then are you free to see the truth – be it favorable or not – and only then, if need be, can you offer the love your beloved may need.

Psychotherapy – a very slow, but helpful process

In therapy and healing, explanation and understanding for your feelings and behaviors are gradually unfolded to you, and week by week, not all at once. All my young life, I was 110% certain I was a “basket case” (as my father used to say) specifically as a result of a megalomaniacal, emotionally abusive and manipulative father. It is only to my surprise that I have been finding out through my reiki and my psychotherapy, that roughly 95% of my own dysfunction in love relationships has been passed to me from maternal neglect, and not paternal psychosis.